Forget the Throne
Master the Art of Being a Kingmaker
Today, countless young men are grappling with an identity crisis, bombarded by social media's shallow views of power and masculinity. The noise is overwhelming: flashy influencers and so-called “gurus” aggressively market dominance as the ultimate path to becoming an “alpha” or a “king.” But let's be clear—this narrative completely misses the mark. Genuine power doesn't come from aggression or performative displays of dominance. Let’s dismantle these myths and explore what effective leadership looks like.
Five Misconceptions About Power and Leadership
Overemphasizing Aggression: The belief that aggression alone leads to success oversimplifies leadership. Authentic leadership demands collaboration, emotional intelligence, and strategic thinking—not brute force. Do you rely on aggression when strategic thinking would serve you better?
Biological Determinism: Some claim that men will naturally defer to the most aggressive alpha in the room, but human behavior is far more nuanced. Great leaders influence through emotional intelligence, not primal displays of dominance. Do you lead with intelligence and empathy, or are you stuck in outdated models?
Glorifying Anger and Aggression: Unchecked aggression destroys relationships and damages morale. Modern leadership values empathy and emotional intelligence. Wise leaders understand when to assert themselves and when to listen. Are you letting anger drive your actions, or do you make thoughtful decisions?
Comparing Humans to Animals: Human societies thrive on collaboration, diplomacy, and ethics. Comparing us to lions fighting over a carcass is simplistic and counterproductive. Most successful leaders build strategic alliances through cooperation. Are you building partnerships, or are you just trying to dominate?
Binary View of Masculinity: The idea that men are either “alphas” or “betas” is reductive and unsupported by psychological research. Effective leadership contains self-awareness, adaptability, and emotional intelligence. Are you adaptable or clinging to a one-dimensional view of power?
Knowing When to Use Aggression
Being aggressive has its place, but the key is using it wisely. Are your actions aligned with your core values, or are they driven by the need to prove something?
Situational Context: A more aggressive approach is sometimes necessary, like during a crisis or when confronting a hostile opponent. But be careful: aggression should never be your default response. Do you assess the context before reacting aggressively?
Self-Awareness and Emotional Intelligence: Effective leaders employ aggression with high self-awareness, understand its consequences, and calibrate accordingly. Are you in control of your emotions, or are they controlling you?
Balance with Other Skills: Aggression is a tool, not a strategy. Leaders need empathy, collaboration, and strategic thinking. Are you over-relying on aggression, neglecting other critical leadership skills?
Ethical Considerations: Aggression must align with moral principles. Ensure that assertive actions are justified and do not harm others unnecessarily. Are your actions ethically sound, or are you justifying harmful behavior?
Healthy Assertiveness vs. Harmful Aggression
Some argue that leaders can’t make tough decisions, motivate teams, or achieve goals without aggression. Let's get clear on the differences:
Intent: Assertiveness is about communicating needs, beliefs, or boundaries. Aggression, on the other hand, seeks to dominate or control. What’s your intent: To dominate or to communicate effectively?
Communication Style: Assertive leaders are confident and direct, listen, and compromise. Aggressive leaders bulldoze conversations. Are you truly listening, or are you overpowering others?
Impact on Relationships: Assertiveness builds trust through respect and open communication. Aggression, however, breeds resentment and mistrust. Are you strengthening relationships, or are you burning bridges?
Long-Term Outcomes: Assertive leadership enhances productivity and morale. Aggression leads to toxic environments and high turnover. Is your leadership style sustainable, or are you leaving a trail of dysfunction?
Effective leaders know the difference between healthy assertiveness and harmful aggression. I see this crisis not among competent leaders but with the puerile man-babies who fantasize about outdated notions of dominance. Strong leaders combine emotional intelligence, strategic foresight, and team-building skills with assertiveness, leveraging collaboration and empathy.
The Kingmaker Holds the True Power
If you’re obsessed with “playing the game” of dominance, here’s a reality check: It’s not the self-proclaimed “kings” who wield the real power—it’s the Kingmakers.
Kingmakers operate behind the scenes, shaping and empowering leaders. They master influence, strategy, and power far better than those who rely on brute force. A king may sit on the throne, but the Kingmaker placed him there—and can remove him just as easily.
Influence Trumps Authority: A title doesn’t guarantee power. The ability to guide, mentor, and shape others creates a lasting impact. Who have you empowered today?
Strategy Beats Aggression: Aggression might win a battle, but strategy wins the war. Kingmakers play chess while the “kings” are stuck playing checkers. Are you thinking ahead, or are you caught up in short-term wins?
Networks Are Everything: Kingmakers build alliances, nurturing connections that last. They place others in influential positions and remain relevant behind the scenes. Are you investing in meaningful networks, or are you isolated in your approach?
Adaptability Equals Longevity: A king’s reign is temporary, but a Kingmaker’s influence endures across different leadership structures. Are you adaptable, or are you stuck in your ways?
Be a Kingmaker
If you’re tired of chasing the hollow title of “king,” focus on mastering the art of being a Kingmaker instead.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Be a leader who listens, understands, and inspires. Practice empathy daily, and notice the impact on your relationships.
Leverage Strategic Thinking: Shift your focus to long-term wins. Set clear goals and strategize with your team on how to achieve them.
Build Strong Networks: Prioritize meaningful relationships. Identify three people you can empower this month.
Mentor and Empower Others: True power comes from lifting others. Start a mentoring relationship or offer guidance to a peer.
Stay Adaptable: Be ready to change tactics as needed. Embrace new ideas and stay relevant.
Your Next Move
It's tempting to chase the fantasy of being a “king,” but the real power belongs to those who understand leadership on a deeper level. Aggression might give you a short-lived advantage, but strategic thinking, emotional intelligence, and influence create a lasting legacy.
So, here’s your choice: Chase the fleeting title of “king” or build a legacy as a Kingmaker. This week, take one step towards the Kingmaker path. Empower someone, rethink your strategy, or deepen a critical relationship. Which path will you choose?